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Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018


Hiya guys *wipes dust* it's been a few weeks there, eh? First and foremost, I hope everyone had a wonderful Holiday season and of course a Happy New Year. We are a few days into the new year already, but I feel like there are things I have to get off my chest. I haven't been feeling quite like myself for some time now and it's only gotten worse. Now I want to have a real candid talk with all of you. Like a real no filter, no holding back talk. I want you guys to know everything I have been dealing with. Partly because I need to get it all off my chest and partly because I do feel like I have let a lot of people down. I'm not the same person that started this blog and it hurts me deeply to have to admit that. This is a very long read, so please don't feel bad if you rather pass. No hard feelings whatsoever.


But before I get further into this, I must give you guys a *trigger warning* - I will be talking about mental health, death, and suicide. If these topics are a trigger to your own mental state please don't read any further.

2017 sucked a whole lot of ass. In almost every regard I can think of. Going into the year, I thought to myself that it was going to be a step up from 2016 and in some ways it was. I went into the year feeling a little better with my back pains, having almost no pain with my hydrocephalus, and my iron was almost at normal levels. Unfortunately my back pains weren't going away and I soon realized how limited I was becoming. Going to the movies (which is just sitting down) would mean losing the ability to move for about 3-5 days. Not to mention the unbearable pain.

Through a lot of ups and downs, I was finally able to see a Chiropractor who gave me relief during weekly sessions. Relief from the immense pain is obviously fantastic. But bending down? Boom, hello flare up and goodbye relief. Walking too much, sitting, laying down, sleeping too long - basically everything I could possible think of doing was causing my pain to flare up. During this time I spent a lot of time in bed, because out of all the activities that caused me pain it was the best option. But slowly I started improving and now over a year later from the initial incident I am doing better. Am I 100%? No, not even close. I still can't do so many normal things and sitting/walking can be a major source of pain on a weekly basis.

And this may sound weird but... I can deal with this. Compared to my mental health, this physical pain is nothing but cake.

But before I get into that, I need to get into a few other things that happened in 2017. My dogs were very sick - that's the understatement of the year. For those of you that might not know I have four dogs - Brownie (10), Charlie (7), Sophia (3), and Casper (1). These dogs are my life, words cannot express what they mean to me. So needless to say my heart was shattered when in June they started getting sick back to back. First it was a midnight ER rush to bring in Sophia who was throwing up blood. The following night it was Brownie who was crying out in pain and unable to walk. Thankfully Sophia recovered very quickly, but Brownie was not so fortunate. Thanks to my amazing friends donating thru GoFundMe I was able to afford getting Brownie an MRI. He has a herniated disc and a murmur in his heart, he'll need surgery to correct the issue. Although surgery is needed, right now it's optional since he has been responding well to medication. Next my little Casper has a faulty liver from birth, which causes his liver enzymes are triple the normal levels. He's been on medication since June and is still not within normal range. The condition is not fatal though and with continued treatment he'll live a long healthy life. To end the year, Charlie had internal bleeding which was recently diagnosed as pancreatitis. We are still in the process of getting him in the right path to be healthy and back to normal.

That's a lot to handle. And so it took a toll on my health again and towards the end of the year my iron dropped. Okay, that's an understatement. My iron did a disappearing act on my body in the blink of an eye. All due to my vagina... yup I'm going to talk about some uncomfortable stuff now. Sorry this part is going to be a little 'TMI'... but you guys could probably have guessed that by now.

As I mentioned before, at the beginning of 2017 my iron was ace. It had gone back to normal and I was off the IV infusions for good. But... I wasn't getting my monthly visitor from mother nature aka my period. To be honest, I didn't think twice about it. But one month become another and then another and then it was suddenly October and still no signs of it coming. To back track a little, in July I suddenly got an earth shattering pain on my lower right side. I mean this pain felt like the hulk of cramps and made me double-over in pain throughout the day. And so began three months of back to back exams to check everything from UTIs to kidney stones to pancreatitis. Everything came back normal. And yet it was now October and I was still in as much pain as ever before. Blood-work ended up revealing my hormones are all very low and at abnormal levels. What does this mean? I don't know yet. I have been waiting three months for a specialist to finally take me in and that appointment is in three weeks.

But getting back to the iron... while my blood-work revealed issues with my hormones, there was an additional ultrasound that revealed a thick wall on the outer part of my uterus. I was given medication to jump start my period and hopefully reduce the thickness as well as the pain on my side. And it worked! Too well. To make this as non-gross as possible, I ended up having such an intense period that it caused me to drop my iron. It was so significant that I wound up needing an emergency transfusion to bring me back to normal. Honestly, it sounds worse than it actually ended up being. It has been over a month and I am feeling better. Far from perfect, but no where near what I used to be like. The pain on my side is still present, but not as strong as it was. I'm hoping my follow-up with the specialist will finally pin-point the problem.

Now you can understand a little bit about the girl behind the nails, yet there is still so much more. Here's where we come to the real issue. Yes, haha, even after all that there is more to my 2017. And here really is where I need to state once again *trigger warning*...

I'm depressed.

That seems so easy to say/write, but it doesn't feel like the words truly convey what I am feeling. For the better part of 2017 I came to grips with a struggle I have been dealing with for as long as I can remember. In truth I ended up finally realizing two things: one is obviously that I have depression and the other is anxiety. Those two together... are the things that nightmares are made of.

It feels like it's not enough to just say it or write it. These feelings ended up slowly over the year taking over more and more of my being. I have always been sad, like my normal state of being has always been 'sad'. It was a way for me not to feel disappointed I guess. For the longest time I tried to rationalized it as being normal, that I was simply a realist. Every situation I envision the very worst, I mean the worst outcome that could ever happen. This kind of mindset was my go-to for any problem, even the most minimal ones. I felt like by embracing the worst possible scenario I could easily handle the problem. Prior to 2016 it ended up working pretty well for me. But I suddenly started taking thoughts way to far over the line. I ended up crying over and over again, hysterical gut-wrenching crying. And I started to feel like dying would be easier than dealing with the problem. And with everything that was happening this year I ended up feeling like this nonstop, every single day.

Seeking professional help has not been successful. My initial attempts in the early part of the year ended up with me on Prozac and after a few months I became increasingly discontent with life. Frankly, I became suicidal. To the point I was coming home after work and I would lay in bed and start planning on how I'd like to do it. I started cutting my wrists again - something I hadn't done since my early 20s - in an attempt to feel something besides numbness. Needless to say I stopped taking Prozac against my doctors wishes because in her opinion 'feeling numb was better than feeling anxiety'. Excuse my language, but no fuck that shit.

So began the hunt for a new medical professional, which I ended up finding another whom just wanted to give me drugs. At this point my anxiety had kicked into overdrive and I found myself terrified of taking medication. Even something as simple as Advil would cause me to go into panic mode. I remember one night I went to bed after taking something for my back pain and within five minutes I was hysterical crying. I held onto Austin as I told him that I thought I was dying and wanted to force myself to throw up the medication. The doctor unfortunately wouldn't talk to me about what I was feeling mentally. The office visits would consist of being asked if I was taking my medication and that's it. Five minutes tops, over two hundred dollars billed to my insurance.

In between all these failed visits and looking for more help, my depression and anxiety worsened. Plus all the other health and life issues started piling on. Every day I woke up wishing today would be the day I would just die. That's all I wanted... and still want. Some days are better than others and some days are very bad. I'll wake up and I stay in bed for the entire day, safe under my covers. Or I'll spend the entire day going about my routine, but I'll be thinking and planning my death. If every day I could not leave my house that'd be fantastic, I feel so much better on a day when I don't have to face the world. But I can't do that. I work full-time and it's not something I can stop doing - for health insurance purposes among just the income. And honestly, I feel like if were to take disability to stay at home I would end up mentally much worse in the long run.

Among all the chaos I've been trying to be the happy nail girl you came to read. And that became almost impossible towards the end of the year. I felt so much pressure to be 'perfection' and falling short made me sink further down. Then feeling like I have let down so many people - makers, readers, friends. With my slow turn around times, my lateness to have photos done on time or getting blog posts up. My nail shape changing back and forth definitely didn't help my situation. Which I know, not a big deal at all in reality. But in my mind it was like I lost my identity as a swatcher/reviewer. I cannot tell you how many times I have re-swatched a polish about 5-10 times because I felt so terrible about my nails. This was something that I loved doing with all my heart and suddenly I was a failure. In my mind, I was/am a completely worthless piece of shit and not worth anyone's time. That must sound so very harsh, but that's not an exaggeration on what I think of myself at my low points. My mind justifies it as realism, but I know now it's not and it's my depression getting a hold of me.

And this is how I am entering into 2018... I have yet to find a therapist who can take me on as a new patient with my work hours. Right now as I type this I am on the up swing of my moods, I'm not as depressed as I was a few weeks ago. My anxiety is flaring up, but I am trying a few new things to keep myself in check. Though I know that my mood can change in the blink of an eye. I'm not giving up though. Not on myself and not on my blog. This little piece of the internet means more to me than any other project I have ever devoted time to. It's truly a passion and something I have worked far too hard on to just give up.

This is a very long post, to say the least haha. I appreciate if you've read everything from start to finish, because now you know me. The truth behind the girl. It's not a pretty truth, but it's honest and real. Please don't take this as a bunch of excuses or a pity party. As I mentioned in the beginning of the post, I feel like I needed to get this off my chest. I grew up in an environment where I was scolded for confiding in people about what I might be feeling. I don't want my depression and anxiety to be a dirty secret or something I have to hide. Because I'm not okay and that's okay to admit.

Thank you for all of your support this past year as I deal with all of these things. And although I know I don't need to apologize, I'm sorry. Especially to those makers, readers, friends, and brands that I might have let down with my untimeliness. But really just thank you for taking the time on this little piece of the internet, on my little haven of polish bliss.


7 comments

  1. You're one of the strongest people I know and I love your face so much <3

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  2. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I suffer from depression and I know this must've been really hard for you to write. I know I couldn't do it.

    I really hope things start looking up for you and that you realize what an amazing and accomplished woman you are.

    Should you ever need someone to just vent to, I am always here for you. Love to you!

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  3. I'm so proud of the strength it must have taken for you to write this. You're not alone and you're loved. Please reach out if you need a shoulder.

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  4. I admire you for opening up and sharing this with us! I hope things get better for you this year, and you find someone that actually cares to help, and not just throw medication at you.

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  5. Oh Roselynn, I am so sorry you have had such a horrid year! Given all the stressors you have had, from pain and serious health struggles, to worries over your pups, depression and anxiety is a natural response, though we all wish we had an off switch for those. Just remember that you ARE good enough, that you ARE appreciated, and above all, be kind to yourself. It is okay to struggle, it is okay to not always meet your high standards. You are a good person, and in the end, that is what matters most.

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  6. I'm so sorry that last year was...shit. I think that you are beyond brave for opening up and sharing this with all of us. I hope 2018 is a whole hell of a lot better for you and that you do find a doctor who will actually take the time to understand how you're feeling. Always remember that you're not alone and that you're very strong!

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  7. All I got is lots of love for you. You know some of my struggles, they are similar. Anxiety and depression are the worst, they rule over almost every aspect of my life, coloring it all in shades of gray. And I'm terrified of getting help for similar reasons to what you experienced. Point is...you are not alone. There's so many of us feeling this way, I am always willing to listen and offer support in any way I can. No judgement, I understand some of what you're feeling. You're so brave, to write this out. I don't know what else to say...you're worth it. Your life is worth fighting for. I hope you find a doctor or therapist that works for you soon.

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