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The End?


Hiya guys! It's been a minute.... a little over a month to be exact. To be so honest right now, I don't even know how to start off this post. Which is why I have been dragging my feet with it for the last couple weeks. But I'm just going to say it like ripping a band-aid... I'm taking a somewhat hiatus from swatching.

What does that mean?

I wish I could tell you, but as of right now I am not completely sure myself. I know at least for the time being I will not be reviewing any new indie collections. I'm actually stepping away quite a bit from the indie polish world and will only be posting reviews that consist of 1-3 shades if that. Everything is just so fast-paced and competitive and well to be frank I'm not up for that anymore. After blogging for nearly four to five years (I don't even know and am too lazy to check) I have grown extremely tired of having my hobby feel like a job. Having to come home from my actual job to maybe having an hour to relax, eat, and spend with my loved ones and then going to swatch for 5 hours is insane. And this was my life. Every. Single. Day. I work very slowly (I can admit that) and do one swatch per hour. I also have a high level of perfectionism and would find myself reswatching a polish up to 5 times to get everything about it just right. Things got to the point where I couldn't even have a night off without feeling immense guilt and anxiety from being so far behind into my work. And I don't have anyone to blame but myself for this, I know that.

I don't mean to sound so jaded and ungrateful because for the last few years this community and this world made me extremely happy. Until well... it didn't anymore. But it isn't just about blogging or polish, it's me. I am not happy with my life. And I'm actually crying as I type this because it's still such a hard realization to come to and accept. As some of you know I have been extremely depressed and anxiety ridden for maybe the last two years. Maybe even longer. It's hard to pinpoint because I think it's something that has always been there, but it took all this time to be able to admit to it being a problem. But I digress, I am depressed. I hate everything about my life right now and feel like a old talent-less fat loser. I have barely any friends. I don't do anything besides paint my nails. I don't go out of the house except for work. I'm getting fatter and unhealthier by the day. I'm literally a waste of time and space. That sounds so harsh, haha. I'm not using any filters here guys. These are my thoughts raw and unedited, it's literally what I think of myself every moment of every day. So you can see how after so much time it's finally taken a toll on me and caused me to have a complete and total meltdown.

I am done.

I am done feeling this way. I am done letting the years slip by. I am done letting life get away from me. I am done with letting others make me feel small and insignificant.

For the last two months I have put a lot of thought into what I want my life to be like. And I have come to realize... I still really love nail polish. What I don't like is feeling like I am not good enough, like I am not working hard enough, or like I'm a slave to an imaginary system in my head. So I'm taking back my hobby and making sure it stays in that lane. I will continue to swatch and review polishes, but no longer will do large collections. And I will only do 1-2 reviews a week, if that. Now of course I have a lot of catching up to do from makers who have been so kind while I was having my mental breakdown. But those updates will come slowly through the next few months. Most of all, I want to get back into nail art and videos. Because that stuff was actually fun as heck and didn't feel grueling... or maybe it did but not in the same way, haha.

I have also made the realization that I am not just nail polish and nails. There are so many other hobbies that I have left in the dust and want to reclaim. But it's not just about hobbies, but about my life. I want to change my life and be a happy person. There are the things beyond my control and I am seeking professional help. Please don't worry in that regard. Up to this point I have let too many negative things define me and I am ready to change who I think I am into someone I won't be ashamed of.

So because of that this blog will expand to include more lifestyle posts and content. I want to share everything from planning, to writing my novel after so many years, to my newfound weight loss journey, to learning Korean. Yes, Korean because I plan on moving to South Korea sometime next year or so. If all of this sounds completely random it's because it is and I am loving it.

Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Or maybe my depression is manifesting and causing me to self-sabotage. I don't know. But I can at least say that the last few weeks have been a step in the right direction. I am enjoying the little things, like having an hour to write before bed. Reading a book with my puppy curled on my lap as I sip some tea. I have been exercising daily - something I never thought was possible - and have lost 11 pounds in the last month and a half. All these little things have been helping to find myself. I am still struggling daily, often times feeling so alone and empty. I think about self-harming on a daily basis and it's a fight I don't always win. But I am getting the help I need. Because life gets better and my life WILL be better. I hope that sharing this maybe can help anyone out there that could be struggling too.

I hope you guys stick around for the new chapter in my life. I plan on doing a simple revamp of the blog within the next few days. Not changing too much and will be keeping the same name since it seems to fit (for now). Thank you if you made it this far into my post, I appreciate every single person that takes the time to read my little corner of the internet.



7 comments

  1. I'm so sad I won't see your nails as often but I'm in it for the long haul to read whatever you want to write about! I completely understand feeling drained and occupied with intense blogging - sometimes I wonder if I didn't live alone if someone would stage an intervention on me, lol. I hope you can feel better taking a step back and maybe this hobby will be fun again and you can enjoy your hard-earned relaxation time!

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  2. I know that I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I think you're awesome and tremendously brave to open yourself up like this. I've never suffered depression so I can't say that I know what you're going through but I can imagine the exhaustion of swatching and blogging. I can barely get up the energy to post to Instagram more than twice a week! I will continue to follow you because your swatches are gorgeous (but if you stop doing clean up, and start taking pictures of your nails while sitting in the sun with your dogs, I won't care, I'll still love them!) and I like getting glimpses into other ares of life too. Most importantly, take care of yourself!

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  3. So sorry to hear how much time swatching has been taking up. You swatches are amazing and will be missed. I will look forward to your new and 'improved' blog. I'm sure it will be great. It's easy to see how hard swatching would have become with so many new Indie makers coming out over the last few years. Swatchers just used to swatch. Now they are expected to do nail art and throw the kitchen sink in as well. It's very hard to be tempted by all the new nail polish colors too...one can only buy so much and probably never wear it all, LOL...I always said when something that used to bring you joy feels like work it's time to step back and take a good long look. I'm glad that you have done that. A lot of people get sick from all the stress. It's just totally not worth it if the joy is not there. I will you the best!!!

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  4. I wish you all the luck and happiness in your new journey. It touched me that you are so honest about you and how you feel. A lot of us feel that way, but don’t share it, as bravely as you have. All power to you.

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  5. I am very impressed with you, doing what you need to for yourself! When a hobby you love becomes a job you wince at, it is so wise to take a step back and regain joy. Good for you!

    I for one will continue to follow your blog because it is fun and interesting and inspiring to me. Thank you for your honesty and please accept my best wishes and hopes for your happiness.

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  6. Wow...I actually just found your blog right now and this was the first thing I read on it. I was reading and nodding my head so hard! I can totally relate to the depression, super negative self talk, self sabatoge, etc. I, too, have been struggling tremendously with those things for the past five years and it's debilitating! I honestly can't believe how strong you've been to be able to keep blogging/swatching on through what you've been going through internally! You're a strong, brave woman to come on here and be so open about everything! I commend you and I will now be checking in here regularly to see how you are progressing!
    Congrats on your fresh start!
    Much love,
    Tracy

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