Reading the title of this post might have you a little confused and I feel the same way trust me. If I'm being honest I'm not sure what I'm doing here writing a 'dear diary' journal post. I mean I have always wanted to keep a serious journal or do something along the lines of morning pages in a physical book. As much as I love writing, actual physical writing really brings out that carpal tunnel. Not fun. It's always one of those things I start off doing that doesn't last for too long. I'll do well for the first few days and then one day I'm just a little too tired or running late. There is always just something and it ends up breaking the cycle never to be picked up again. Of course the idea of doing it digitally had crossed my mind as well. This was a series I wanted to start at the beginning of the year actually, but I never got around to it. Mostly because I thought the idea was on the corny side. Part of me is still thinking that, but here we are regardless.
My mental health is a little on the unwell side these past few weeks. Heck my physical health isn't looking too great either, but if we talk about that we'll be here all day and then some. I've had severe depression and anxiety for a few years now, but in the last two years I felt myself becoming better and better. Sure, I had my moments. We all do. But for the most part I was functioning so much better on an every day basis and was going-out for adventures all the time. Going to the parks, the city, and concerts galore. At one point I even had a trip planned to go to South Korea last year. It didn't end up panning out, but that's a different story for a different day. The point is I was becoming a better version of myself and it was slowly making me feel happy. Maybe not happy per say, but at least it was giving me reasons to keep going. And so going into 2020 I had plans, I was going to make things happen for me and I was ready to embrace it all.
And then Covid-19 happened.
It's not even about the cancelled plans, that much is what it is in the midst of a pandemic. My brain can accept it for what it is and be thankful for the fact I'm not affected on a grand scale. That said (and as self centered as it may sound), I do feel a bit sad about my plans fizzing out. I had a lot of firsts planned, including a trip to Disney world in Florida and BlizzCon (gaming convention) with Austin. I know I'm not alone in really awesome plans being cancelled so there is comfort in that. In the grand scheme of things basically this isn't a trigger for me.
Unfortunately for me my biggest trigger has now become what used to be my greatest asset: my love of being alone. I guess things just tend to hit differently when it's forced on you.
Right now I feel completely lost and empty. My mind can't seem to focus on anything and I find myself not wanting to do anything either. Hence my lack of posting in the last month. I'm working from home, but even then I'm not doing all that much. Truth be told all I have been doing is playing video games. Even as I sit down to write this post I have my iPad next to me and I cannot tear myself away from the game. Sad thing is I'm not even doing good at it, haha. At first I told myself it was okay to spend the day playing a video game. Self care, I told myself. Every one needs a day to do nothing. Maybe two days would be okay too. A week doing nothing is totally normal, right? Welp. Days have turned into weeks and I didn't realize just had bad it was until I noticed it was almost May. And here I thought having all this free time would mean I'd use it wisely. Shame on me for that line of wishful thinking.
So that's one of my reasons for starting this Dear Diary series. The other reason being... I'm simply lonely. Being very immune-compromised, I've had to make sure to stay home since the lock-down began to get serious in New Jersey. I know I'm using video games as a way to cope and escape the four walls I've been confined to for over a month now. Unfortunately for me it's not actually helping my mental state whatsoever. I need to find my balance again. Down to my core I need to find a way to connect more and release everything going on in my noodle mind. Completely raw and unfiltered. Sitting here writing my thoughts out has to be better than eating chocolate chip ice cream at 7 AM, right? Well I mean it doesn't taste better, that's for sure haha.
I don't want this to end up feeling forced so I don't know how often I'll be posting. For the sake of my mental well-being, I'm going to aim for at least weekly updates. Even then I don't know what I'll be writing about. I can't imagine myself doing more than one post considering I'm at home doing the same for things day in and day out. Honestly right now I just want to play it by ear. Hopefully that sounds okay and I'm not too boring or brooding. Who am I kidding? I'll definitely be both of those things, but I hope it's not bad enough to make you run away!
xoxo Moonbaes
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