Dear Diary | Journal Entry #002

Do you ever stop and realize that not only had the last hour completely escaped you, but the entire day as well? That's how things have been for me in the last month. Part of me kept justifying things because I wasn't feeling too well. And this part is important to describe because I feel like it aligns with the decline of my mental health. You see I seem to have developed a fructose intolerance in the last few years and now I can barely have any fruit. When I do I literally feel the worst pain in life in the middle of my stomach. I feel my entire gut hardens and inflates to look like I just ate an entire basketball team. I will spare you in describing the other feelings it gives my body, but basically I am down for the count for a day or two. So you would think that knowing how fruit affects my body I would stay away, right?

Side note: how unfair is this? I can eat an Oreo cookie and feel just fine, but have a healthy piece of fruit and I'm vomiting for hours. As someone who was once morbidly obese and still quite overweight, this feels like such a huge kick in the gut. No pun intended. Like I'm trying to better myself and eat healthy, but when I do I feel sick to my stomach. It's beyond unfair and literally makes me cry in frustration over the situation. I'm kinda starting to cry right now as I type this because of how much it fires me up. Pardon the language here, but this is straight up some bullshit.

So I had the fantastic idea to try and power through the pain for the sake of eating healthy. Maybe if I did it often enough I could make my body become used to fruit again and not react so poorly. Spoiler alert... that's definitely not what happened. For about three days I ate things that I knew weren't a good idea in the back of my mind. It's kinda like knowing fire will burn your skin, but going ahead and touching it anyway. Yeah that was me as I decided to slice up an avocado and be a 'trendy fit girl' and have avocado toast. You actually might have seen it because I was so excited about my breakfast that I posted it on Instagram. Biggest mistake. Ever. Not the posting, but the fact that I ate that. And topped it off with a mango smoothie no less. I don't think I have ever felt a pain so great. In fact it was so bad that if it wasn't for the Covid situation I would have asked my husband to take me to the hospital. It's been about a week to a week and a half since that day and my stomach is still hurting. Thankfully it's a little better each day, but at this point I think it's safe to say I have learned my lesson. No wait... I had some mango the other day and I'm going through a mini flare up again. No lessons to be learned here.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I literally have no explanation for it, but it frustrates me to no end. The situation as a whole is infuriating enough, but then add on top my dumb decision making and it's a disaster. As messed up as this is going to sound I think part of me does it to get some excitement in my day. Well maybe not excitement, but just to make something different happen. Of course part of me also does it because I'm stubborn. I refuse to believe I can't have any fruit. Like flat out refuse, fake news, not possible. Yet at the same time, I know that I'm damaging my body by continuing to do this when I'm clearly having a reaction to it. It's like the logical side of my brain can't get that cross to the side of my brain that does these things. Like there is the biggest mental road block between logic and action, but that's I think an issue I have outside of this whole fruit scenario. All that being said, once this whole Covid situation simmers down a bit I plan on going to a doctor to discuss this fruit issue. In the meantime I have to try and not take myself out via fruit consumption. Boy, now wouldn't that be a headline for the news? Haha. I know it's a bit on the morbid side, but truth be told that really is my personality in real life. I don't think that comes across in my blogging normally, which is another reason why I'm hoping to connect with you guys more through this journal series.

And so that's been my life for the last three solid weeks. Stomach pains and under quarantine at home. Even though I have caused myself to be in this situation with the stomach issues. This has just been nothing short of a nightmare. With each day getting a little better in some aspects, while getting worse in others. Like I haven't done any type of workouts in over a week, but I have managed to get  a handful of blogging done and even edited a video. I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't seem to 'have it all'. Like I can't workout, eat healthy, work on my blog, and be happy all at the same time in the same day. Time moves too quickly and if I end up doing one thing then that's somehow good enough? But it's not. I have the entire day at home and yet I only can manage one task. That seems insane to me. So I've been excusing myself the past few weeks because I have stomach pains, you know? Like I can't workout in pain. I can't focus on writing a post or editing a video, much less record a  new one. I can't do anything. Except lay in bed, play games on my tablet, and take long naps. I know my depression enough to know when it's rearing it's ugly head and this is the start of it.

So what do I do?

Keep trying I guess. Like I said I have been doing a little better this week. I let myself slack on the working out in hopes that it helps my body recover a little faster. Eating wise I'm doing pretty terrible I'm not going to lie. Something about the night hour makes me binge eat, but I'm hoping that slowly getting rid of the unhealthy food in the house helps me. Of course I'm getting 'rid' of it by eating it in the first place, but one battle to fight at a time. This week instead of losing myself in video games I reason with my mind. One game per one hour of work I do towards my blogging. Seems to be working out so far and I'm very happy about it because I have missed blogging so much. Here's hoping I can slowly, but surely ease myself into providing you with some quality content next month. Whilst continuing to focus on my health of course. I have to keep reminding myself, I'm important and I need to take the time to care for myself. And most importantly not indulge myself in bad decisions.

 xoxo Moonbaes

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