Dear Diary | Journal Entry #003

[ Trigger warning ]

I've never had to do a trigger warning on my blog before, but because this dear diary series expresses my raw emotions I feel it's needed. In this post I will be using harsh language and will be making mild references to depression and suicidal thoughts. The last thing I want to do is make any of my readers feel uncomfortable. So please I urge you if this is a sensitive subject matter for you do not continue to read any further. I love and appreciate every single one of you, so please continue to be safe and well.

I'm not feeling okay. And no it's not because I'm due for my period. Like really. That's something I get asked whenever I express feelings of overwhelming sadness and wanting to curl up and cry. Even in those moments where I'm at an all time low point and say I feel like I'm dying. I still get asked, "Are you on your period?". Seriously. Maybe if this was coming from a stranger or a doctor it would be more of a passable innocent question. But coming from a friend, especially one who knows the struggles of mental health themselves makes it that much worse. I'm not hormonal, I'm depressed. Trust me, I get it. I know better than anyone that unbalanced hormones or incoming period could be a sign of why I'm feeling a bit down. That is valid. Those are feelings I'm familiar with and I know my mind well enough to know that's not what I'm going through right now. So if I'm here expressing myself, letting you in on the darkest thoughts going through my mind please don't brush it aside as 'it's just that time of the month'. Because - pardon my language here - fuck you.

This reminds me of when I would try and speak to doctors about my depression a few years ago. Yes, past tense because that's not something I'm willing to do at the moment. Every single doctor I went to would go the route of saying it was because I was overweight. At that point in time I was 300lbs so it was an undeniable fact for sure. But again I think I know myself well enough to know whether I'm lacking confidence in myself or I'm genuinely just wanting to die. It's kind of an extreme there. The last thing on my mind during this dark period was my appearance. My response was always the same "I love my body, that's not the problem" and it was genuinely the truth. I never had a problem in my own skin, I owned it at 300lbs and I own right now. But I was always brushed aside and given advice on how to lose weight and put on medication. Not fun times.

And again I get it. I feel like I'm saying those words a lot in this post, but I need to get across that I am seeing all perspectives. I don't want to be labeled narrow minded or unreasonable. I understand that for some people being overweight (whether that be the extreme I was in, more, or even less) would make them depressed and want to die. Like that's a totally and completely valid thing. But why generalize right from the bat? It almost felt like I was being called a liar when I said I didn't have a problem with my body size. Like that was an impossible self opinion to have for an obese person. I heard it so much and each time it broke me even further down the depression. Now obviously I have lost the weight since then for my own reasons and guess what? Still depressed as fuck. If not more so some days. Weight loss was not a factor in my depression and guess what? Neither is whether or not I'm on my period.

Am I perhaps being too sensitive to a seemingly innocent question from a friend?

Yes, more than likely. I'm not even mad or upset at this friend because deep down I know their true intentions. But that doesn't make the situation any less frustrating or any less hurtful. Or I guess any less triggering for me.

In my head it feels like such a wave of dismissal, like an unspoken 'you're fine'. I know I have a very black and white mindset sometimes and maybe that's what makes me feel like this. I need things to be taken for face value in a sense. If I say I'm sad, or depressed, or whatever I am then let me express that. There doesn't need to be this unknown underlying reason for feeling the way I do. I mean it's okay to ask why of course, but if I don't have a reason don't assume it's nothing then. And better yet don't assume it's my period of all things. Or my fatness, haha. Because you know sometimes it's okay to just feel something without a reason.

I didn't mean for this to come across as a 'ted talk' or whatever. I just started typing in the heat of the moment and here I am thankfully to get some of it off my chest. And I hope it somehow manages to help or at least connect with some of you so that you too feel a little less alone.

1 comment

  1. You have a right to your thoughts and feelings. Your feelings are always valid. It's hurtful when it seems like we can't even express those feelings to our closest friends without being judged in some way. Hugs.